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[Back to index of April articles] FAMILY MATTERS: By Margaret M. Treadwell Thin envelope. Fat envelope. Whether the contents lead to disappointment or elation, one door closes and another one opens. And whether the applicants are high school seniors or nursery school hopefuls, many parents are either praying for their child's acceptance letter or are gearing up to start the application process for next year. Anticipation of separation gives this time of year particular intensity, and none feel it more than high school seniors. A university dean of admissions spoke of how she became too invested in the outcome and "lost it" during her daughter's search: "Because education has been extremely important in our family for generations, I didn't realize C. was feeling separation anxiety from high school and the family. This began to manifest itself when she refused to participate in the college search - missing deadlines, procrastinating on her essay. Her college counselor said she didn't seem interested. I nagged and cajoled, pleaded and threatened, dragged her to college open houses insisting she spend the night. She slacked off on her school work and began to produce lackluster grades. I really began to panic." Things worked out as they do in most cases: C. took a year off to work, (the family charged her a small rent to live at home), visited her college friends, and according to her mother, "One day the heavens opened up, the sun came out, the angels began to sing: She found the right fit and took ownership of the application process without us... She loves her college and is growing up. We all survived!" Would this student have taken responsibility earlier if her parents had been less involved and more willing to help her look within to figure out her own passions, hopes and goals? Perhaps not, but heads of school assert that kids do best when parents realize this is not a time to play out their own dreams and disappointments through their children. Family stories often prove that the only thing worse than not getting one's heart's desire is getting it. The perfect university may prove too demanding or the last choice might provide ideal nourishment for the mind and soul. There are thousands of schools from which to choose. Principals, teachers and college counselors lament the attitude that there are only a few worth considering. So what if the envelope is thin with disappointing news? Parents then have a divine opportunity to acknowledge God in the process by making sure their child hears unconditional love. This does not mean overprotecting them from pain but rather letting them have their own disappointment - it's a part of life - with the knowledge that you are walking along beside them as an affirming, supportive fan. Which of you is better at lightening up? Can you take your child seriously without making the decision so serious? Have you stories from previous generations showing how your parents and grandparents thought about disappointments and failures? David Ware, head of the Upper School, St. Alban's, says, "Parents need to put themselves in the position of realists who help their child understand real choices, conflicts and pain. Who you are and know yourself to be inside is the only thing that matters - not what some other person thinks of you." He believes children need to step away, break new ground, even put miles between family and self in order to solidify identity in a new environment. There are ways to prepare for the college separation from the earliest grades by placing responsibility for school where it belongs - on your student and between student and teacher; student and guidance/college counselor. What would it take to wait until you are asked before you intervene with school work and college decisions? If you think this is impossible because your child might fail, try it for at least one semester and prepare to be surprised. Students who enter college having experienced a few failures are emotionally more mature and ready to take on new challenges. Wisdom comes in hindsight through experience with our beloved son and daughter who have grown into healthy, happy parents despite me. William Martin sums it up in The Parent's Tao Te Ching, (New York: Marlowe & Company,1999):
Margaret M. "Peggy" Treadwell is a family psychotherapist. She is the director of The Counseling Center at St. Columba's, Washington, D.C. For information about the center or to make an appointment, call 202/363-9779 or visit www.columba.org. [Back to index of April articles]
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