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By Margaret M. Treadwell
Washington Window
Vol. 75, No. 2, February 2006
One sure way to drive someone crazy is to climb into their space and refuse to get out. I hear it from parents: "My 2-year old won't stop clinging to me. All I need is just a little bit of space!" From teenagers: " No matter how many times I tell them, my parents won't get out of my space!" From separating couples: "I can't breathe and he won't back off. I might not have to leave if he'd give me some space." Conversely, I hear from couples entering pre-marital counseling: "I love her because she gives me space to be myself."
What does "giving someone space" actually mean?
Although it sounds like asking for physical space, anyone who's given a dog, a toddler, a teen or a lover too long a leash knows what a dangerous decision that can be. People who are too distant can't hear each other, but neither can those who are too close.
Friedman's Fables by Edwin H. Friedman (Guilford Press, 1990) demonstrates that communication is an emotional and spatial phenomenon. In The Friendly Forest, a tiger asks to come and live among the other animals. All the animals are delighted, except for the gentle lamb. She constantly tells her friends about the tiger's invasiveness - his growls and menacing gestures - which frighten and eventually consume her thoughts, even when he is physically absent, so that she prepares to leave the forest. The others beg her to adapt - communicate, compromise, accept the tiger for who he is rather than ask him to leave. But the lamb can't understand why the intrusive party should have equal rights rather than simply be caged. Peace and self preservation are incompatible because the lamb has no mechanism for defending herself.
Friedman's message: The major relational problem is not getting together; it is preserving self in a close relationship and no one on planet Earth does that well. He believes we might improve our communication by adopting the following three practices, all relating to space:
- Direction - Have you noticed that people hear you better when they are moving toward you? Anyone who has raised a child knows that the moment a parent is in the position of pursuing, the message, no matter how eloquently phrased, never catches up. Pursuit comes in the guise of criticism, rescuing, thinking or worrying too much about your child (or spouse, parent, boss, friend).
Think of relationships as a game of tennis: Bounce the ball to the other person's court, then stand back to observe what happens to it. One mother practiced the tennis metaphor with her son, a master at distancing. She was pleased when after several months of refraining from telling him how to hit the ball back, he asked if she would schedule him on her calendar.
- Distance - What is it about courtship that promotes a couple's ability to recognize that the loved one is different, to appreciate his or her independent will and to grant space for growth? What changes during marriage, when rather than celebrate these differences, each person tries to change the other? Is it possible for couples to understand the importance of maintaining a sense of self and to respect differences during the pre-marital period when they are moving toward each other at the speed of light?
If a couple "needing space" can learn to separate emotionally they may not have to separate physically. The best way to put emotional space into a relationship is to define oneself by taking a position about your own behavior and intent rather than making efforts to modify the other. If you want to change a characteristic in someone else, work on that quality in your own life.
- Anxiety - How are anxiety and seriousness similar? In moderation, both provide a positive energy for planning life's goals and setting its course. Paradoxically, too much seriousness begets anxiety that can paralyze thinking and creative processes.
Anxiety functions like static, blurring the most carefully chosen words. When anxiety is high, we tend to turn up the volume that increases the static. Reducing anxiety increases the clarity of the message and how it is heard. Prayer, meditation and yoga help and so does taking responsibility for yourself, striving to remain clear, and being decisive. Nothing promotes perspective like a good injection of playfulness and laughter.
Margaret M. "Peggy" Treadwell is a family psychotherapist. She is the director of The Counseling Center at St. Columba's, Washington, D.C. For information about the center or to schedule an appointment, call 202/363-9779 or visit www.columba.org
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