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[Back to index of January articles] Diocese holds first conversation on marriage By Deborah Kennedy "The focus is on conversation, not debate," said John Vanderstar. "We aren't here to change minds or establish positions. We're here just to talk, to share our stories, so we can have a better and broader understanding of what marriage really is." He was speaking to about 20 lay people and clergy who had gathered on the morning of Dec. 17, at Our Saviour, Hillandale, for the initial diocesan Conversation on Marriage. The workshop was sponsored by the diocesan Task Force on Marriage, which was established by a resolution adopted at the 2005 Diocesan Convention. That resolution, authored by Vanderstar, came in response to a call from the Executive Council of the Episcopal Church for a church-wide conversation on marriage. The workshop opened with three presentations designed to set the context for the conversation. First, the Rev. Kortright Davis, rector of the Church of the Holy Comforter in Washington, D.C., discussed the theology of marriage. Beginning with the three sources of Anglican theology, tradition, scripture and reason, he added a fourth: culture. "We take culture for granted," he said, "but no human being is culture free." We must always keep these four sources in mind as we seek to develop our understanding of the theology of marriage, he said. That theology is not static, but dynamic, because we are always "on the way" to understanding, always "discovering what it means to be re-formed into the image of God." The church always has held up Christian marriage as the state that enables us to obtain both personal satisfaction and fulfillment in social interaction, so ongoing conversation about the theology of Christian marriage is crucial, Davis said. "All of us are creatures of God's ongoing creative love," he added. "Marriage is sanctioned by God, and that sanction emerges from the ongoing creative love of God." In the second presentation, the Rev. Jean Milliken, a clinical pastoral psychotherapist and canon for pastoral ministries at Washington National Cathedral, talked about psycho-social aspects of marriage. She emphasized the importance of community for the support of Christian marriage. In earlier times, she noted, the needs of the group were placed above the needs of the individual, and people stayed married. With the growing emphasis on the importance of the individual in our society, the rate of divorce has increased. Community support is essential to sustaining marriages, Milliken said, because it helps married people see their differences as sources of enrichment rather than as causes of a power struggle. Marriage is both a lifetime covenant and a contract, she noted. "The covenant runs underneath constantly," she said. "The contract has to be renewed" as married people become intentional about staying in and working on their marriage. Helen Harrington, a master for domestic relations for the Charles County Circuit Court and a member of Christ Church, La Plata, concluded the presentations with a discussion of marriage and the law. She noted that the law is neutral with respect to marriage; it "reflects society as a whole, not any one faith or tradition." In addition, she said, "the law changes to reflect the values and morals of society." Marriage laws have changed over time, sometimes exacerbating the tensions that exist between the legal and sacramental definitions of marriage. With the de-emphasis on marriage as a sacrament, she said, has come the legal provision for no-fault divorce, which makes divorce a highly accessible option. "I see a real job for the church in supporting the marriage commitment," she added, "because society at large places little value on continuing a marriage." Following the presentations, participants divided into four groups for conversation. Each group was facilitated by a member of the task force: Davis, Milliken, Harrington and Rose Longmire, president of Episcopal Church Women and representative to the task force from Diocesan Council. A number of participants affirmed the definition of marriage as the union of a woman and a man for the purpose of having children, and expressed concern about other definitions that are emerging both in the church and in the larger society. "How do we sustain and uphold moral standards in the context of change?" one discussion group wondered. Another person asked, "How does Christian love relate to marriage?" suggesting that love, rather than specific behaviors, might be the moral principle by which marriage is defined. Task force members will draw on participants' reactions and suggestions as they plan future conversation sessions; they intend to sponsor three or four more sessions throughout the coming year at locations around the diocese. [Back to index of January articles]
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