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[Back to index of June articles] FAMILY MATTERS: By Margaret M. Treadwell How do you know when the time is right to retire, the moment at which you are neither overstaying nor leaving your professional work too soon? A group of women - some already retired or semi-retired and others just thinking about the possibility - gathered recently to discuss the question and consider where each wanted to see herself at the same time next year. As we risked defining ourselves in this life stage - our beliefs, hopes and vulnerabilities - a spirited discussion opened up new questions and ways to think about retirement. Everyone preferred to convert "the dreaded R word" into rediscovering, reinventing, rejuvenating. Responses about timing included: One woman told of the time she spent the two weeks of her family's beach vacation on her computer in the garage. "On the last day, I said: 'This isn't what I want, and I'll be gone from the office at the beginning of the year.'" She began to structure her thinking by writing down in categories what she really wants for the rest of her life. "Simplify is my mantra now," she said. "We've sold the house and are paring down." Several in the group said they may have retired too soon - before they knew what they really wanted to do. The freedom of living without structure makes one woman "dither away the day" while another is distracted from her creative passion by busyness - saying yes to another's needs means saying no to herself. The privilege of having so many choices at this stage of life also presents the greatest challenge. Everyone could relate to the question, "How can you be present in the moment rather than feeling bad about what's been left undone?" Said one woman, "We are all smart, involved people who always see something to do. The danger is that we can be drawn in when it's not our responsibility to fix a situation. We need to leave space for new leaders to bubble up! How can we allow ourselves to be ourselves without trying to be it all?" The woman who knew her body was insisting on a slow down responded: "Even though I have my life back, adjusting is an odyssey: it has taken almost a year for me not to feel lost when I don't know the next steps to take. I'm living an unfinished story and beginning to enjoy the adventure." She is a planner who nevertheless advocates taking the time to do nothing for at least six months - space is unsettling but essential for being open to new opportunities. She said, "My faith and prayer life are very important. I'm not so fearful knowing that God is protecting and guiding me." In Second Calling, (Integrity Publishers, 2006) Dale Hanson Bourke portrays Naomi from the Old Testament's Book of Ruth as a multidimensional second-half-of-life role model who changes the meaning of a woman's worth. Her deep faith and connection to God and others gives her hope and expectancy - not the death she believed inevitable. Can we learn from her story how to balance purpose with pleasure, spiced by the seasoning of age? Erik Erikson, who developed the eight ages of man deemed Generativity, defined as the concern in establishing and guiding the next generation, the central evolutionary stage of life. He believed that human beings stagnate if we fail to give back, reach out, care for others and help the community as a teacher, mentor, guide, coach or grandparent. David McCullough said, "Without the benefit of the past in shaping the future, it's as if you are trying to plant cut flowers." Margaret M. "Peggy" Treadwell is a family psychotherapist. She is the director of The Counseling Center at St. Columba's, Washington, D.C. [Back to index of June articles]
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