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By Margaret M. Treadwell
Washington Window
Vol. 75, No. 4, March 2006

"Listen! Hear the music and horns? It's a wedding! Would you like to see it?" We had just finished dessert after a delicious meal in India when our New Delhi hosts leapt from the table and propelled us outside. A colorfully dressed crowd was dancing down the street by the light of electric chandeliers carried by several of the guests. A huge van complete with a generator provided the electricity, loud speakers and happy songs.

Suddenly three sari-clad young women were tugging on our arms and repeating in unison, "We'd love to have you join us: please come!"

Our smiling host nodded assent so we were swept along with the throng, around the corner and into a festooned garden where tables had been set for the feast. As people gathered around the bride and groom to begin the ceremony, his sisters and mother kindly explained the rituals while proudly telling us that this was a love marriage - the couple had met studying engineering at the local university.

In a predominantly Hindu country, traditional arranged marriages are still the norm. First-born daughters and sons are expected to marry before younger siblings who must follow in order of their births. Although caste system boundaries are becoming more fluid in the areas of education, friendships and the work place, when it comes to marriage, strict adherence to caste is a rigid rule.

One beautiful 24-year-old eldest daughter, who is working on her master's degree in sociology while living at home with her parents, siblings, three uncles and their families, helped prepare our food and entertain us during another remarkable evening in Jaipur.

Mamita explained that she did not plan to work because her one goal was to marry and have a family. She assured us that she was looking forward to her arranged marriage because she trusted her parents to find her a husband who met her family's educational, financial and social criteria. The search is taking a long time because they also are strong believers in matching horoscopes. Never mind, the bride-to-be said; this thoroughness will protect her from future pain.

When a suitable man is finally found, Mamita will meet her fiancé for 30 minutes prior to their wedding. She has no illusions about romance and love; both will come after marriage and she believes happiness will grow over time. If there are problems later, she said she would speak first to her husband's family about the difficulties and only as a last resort would she burden her family.

Therapists and marriage counseling are low on the list of solutions and are seen only in the strictest confidence. Troubles are kept secret because the family is expected to work things out.

Many women and men insisted that divorce, infidelity, out-of-wedlock pregnancies and abortion are rare. However, The Hindustan Times reported otherwise in two separate stories during our travels.
Widowed women are not allowed to remarry, as we learned firsthand from Jyoti, whose husband was murdered last year. She is struggling to develop her business as a chocolatier and her outstanding home-cooked meals and candies predict success. Meanwhile, she is matter-of-fact about her situation: "My father-in-law is a constant support for me, but if I want a father for my boys (ages 15 and 21), I must become the second wife of my former husband's brother."

Although women are challenged from the moment of birth, as most families want sons to carry on the name, they are the backbone of India - working in the fields and kitchens, raising their children, caring for their parents, creating beautiful art and textiles, increasingly entering business and politics. No matter what their caste or circumstance, the women taught me the real meaning of that beautiful Sanskrit word, Namaste. Although it can mean several things, from good evening to excuse me, the spiritual definition, pronounced Nama-astay, and spoken with a slight bow, hands folded in prayer, means, "The divine in me salutes the divine in you."

Halfway around the world, I discovered anew how powerfully we human beings yearn for a connection with each other and God to create strong families, and that our similarities are greater than our differences.

Margaret M. "Peggy" Treadwell is a family psychotherapist. She is the director of The Counseling Center at St. Columba's in Washington, D.C. For information about the center or to make an appointment, call 202/363-9779 or visit www.columba.org.

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