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[Back to index of November articles] FAMILY MATTERS: By Margaret M. Treadwell Many marriages are done in by poor in-law relationships, not simply lack of couple communication. A recent movie, “Monster-in-Law,” depicts the perfect man and his overprotective mother who, determined to scare off his new fiancée, hatches a scheme to become the world's worst mother-in-law. It reminded me of the 1961 hit song, Mother-in-Law: "She worries me, so/If she'd leave us alone/We would have a happy home/Sent from down below." (Lyrics by Ernie K. Doe) Yikes! I love my children's spouses and believe we can improve this "out-law" condition. Parents who have difficulty letting someone new (male or female) into their family, then complain about the chosen one rather than speaking directly to him or her, form a lethal triangle, which could be described as "the plaque in the arteries of communication." One sweet older gentleman finally married, then became so caught in his disapproving mother's antagonism toward his new wife that he passed away rather than confront the triangle. A couple in a similar situation came for counseling after seven years of marriage and two children as a last stop before divorce. She accused him of letting his mother walk all over her while his father stood passively watching from the sidelines. He saw her stirring up unnecessary trouble with his parents. When I asked him if he'd ever gotten playful with his mother, (Example: "How could you have raised a son who didn't marry the girl of your dreams?") he looked physically pained and accused me of not knowing how willful she could be. Coaching for the husband: Your mother's criticism of your family is an unconscious form of pursuit. If you truly want change, ask her to lunch rather than running from her. If you can't be playful, try gathering facts by asking thoughtful questions like the following:
If these questions don't open doors to reconciliation, take a stand and give your mother a choice. Example: "Mom, I love my wife and want to stay married to her over the long haul. There obviously are areas that displease you, but I think we're doing fine. Will you support me by showing both of us loving kindness and compassion, or should we plan to spend less time with you in the future?" Coaching for the wife: Stop talking to your husband about his mother. Defocus your mother-in-law by spending more quality time with your mother. What would it take to enjoy her? If you are too fused together, start taking stands for yourself about where you begin and end and she begins. Ask her some of the questions (above) since negative in-law patterns might be passed down in your family too. A flip side to this story: An astute professional woman whose daughter-in-law won't answer her calls or make the slightest effort to get to know her asks, "Why do mothers-in-law get such a bum rap? I've done everything in my power to reach out and befriend her and absolutely nothing works!" My friend bursts out laughing when I suggest she's just not trying hard enough. She agrees that backing off from her anxious pursuit while praying for the relationship is a good idea, and she plans to use her time enjoying her own daughter and her mother more. It's not possible to be completely cut off from someone if you are praying for him or her. Jesus said: "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone…For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” Margaret M. (Peggy) Treadwell is a family psychotherapist and the director of The Counseling Center at St. Columba's Church in Washington, D.C. [Back to index of November articles]
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